Monday, February 13, 2006

Seems like lately, everything’s in a mess. This sem is getting bad to worse. Work is piling up and this is the test period with all the tutorials and lectures going on. But I guess everyone’s being subjected to this type of thing in this society. Its just the belief that of u want to succeed, you have to go to a university and then u have to work hard. So that’s just wat everybody is doing rte. So this four years, I will be yet another victim of conformity. Yes, even after 2 years 4 mths of national service.

Looking back at last year, it was actually rather a bad year. Even amidst of some good stuff happening. I wonder if I shld say what’s in my mind. Cause I always have this feeling that if things were to change after I say them out, its kinda pointless and they don mind anything anymore. But yeah, I’ll say it, that’s what blogs are for.

The truth is I’m tired of trying to fit in everywhere. End of the day, it breaks my heart to know that I’m still not part of anything even trying everything. Yeap, I thought that maybe I would be called along to sentosa with ftc or fuyo if they went. I thought that if they went to club, went to shop, went somewhere, it would be fun to join the fun. It loses that special meaning to have to ask to join or be left out of the fun. Perhaps that’s why I never really felt that sense of belonging to anywhere, or I’m just lazy to commit. Of course that was all last year, and I seriously have been thinking that all my better frens came from years that I spent on my passion. But I’m really tired of trying to be there and fighting for a little morsel of fun. And to top it off, there’s the politics. Then the other day, I heard that Jonathan’s going to help victor with his ipod video and speakers on sat and I didn’t hear victor saying that he’s going to get them, and there I was, trying for weeks and weeks to get the address of the shop that sells helmet from him. I just don know why, but my heart just sank. I even felt a little like crying. But I asked myself on what grounds did he have to help me? Was it because I helped him get his job, bought him a water bottle on my own accord that I was hoping that he would help me? Yes, I guess that was how I felt. Naïve as I was.

I remember as young as I was, my mother always telling my dad off for lending money to his friends and that they will never return him. Then my dad would always say that he help people without thinking that they would help him back. I beamed with pride. Seeing now, it’s really a feat to separate helping pp and wanting to be helped. Hmmm, I guess I have yet to eat more salt than rice.

So how? Here I am already, 21 and still pondering upon what I should do and what’s really important. All I know is I love breakdancing. I really don care if u are better than me as long as u love breaking as much as I do.

Happy 8 mths darling. i know I found someone special when I met you.
gilbert at 8:24 AM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}